Archive for September, 2009

to pass the time

Posted in Uncategorized on 09. 17. 09 by boltontk

hi my name is kim. i haven’t been around lately. busy. working and all. oh. we moved. i don’t know if i mentioned that in the last one.

however the reason for my post tonight is because i’m at work. again. waiting. or wasting time. time i wish i didn’t have to waste. if any of you out there work with a program that routinely crashes you know what i mean. hello setback. hello i just saved but not soon enough. hello i want to go home but can’t. hello frustration.

my husband had to literally drag me out of bed this morning just so i wouldn’t be late to work. it’s 9pm and i’m still here. tomorrow isn’t going to be pretty.

about this job. i seem to complain about it a lot. someone once asked me why i complained about my job so much. and the flat answer is that i don’t like it. i don’t. but here’s why…

there’s a part of me about 25% that knows this job is good. i need it and can’t afford to lose it. but the other 75% can’t seem to get past the fact that i know i was made for something else.
this body has told me from day one that it’s not made to sit at a desk everday. it tells me everyday. it’s telling me right now.
my heart want to do not necessarily more, but just something else. something with purpose. something not just for money. something fulfilling.
i feel like this consumes my thoughts on a daily basis.
and when i get down to it and really admit it, i’m not happy. i’m not happy here.
but then the other side of the coin flips in that i’m incredibly blessed and should be grateful with what i have.
but i’m constantly thinking then should i just be ok with not being happy or feeling fulfilled…ever?
is this a wait and see situation or is it a take action and do something about it?
i’m so in the middle. but still unhappy.
don’t get me wrong. i’m thankful for this job. that’s why i’m still here. but everyday i wonder that if i just quit if that would open the door to what my heart is seaching for.
this issue is a daily ongoing prayer. and i’m constantly trying to listen to God.
and so far i don’t feel so compelled to quit, but to stick it out. i feel as if the want to quit is really flesh-driven and selfish. however where can one draw the line between sticking it out and one’s physical being breaking down because if it….
i also don’t know if it’s just a matter of time and me figuring out how to deal with the stress that seems to manifest itself in ailments of the body and soul or if i should flee from somewhere i don’t feel happy or fulfilled.
at newspring, perry talked about quitting if you don’t feel you’re completing God’s task for you where you are. the flat answer to that is that i don’t. i don’t feel like i’m doing what God made me to do.
problem is, i don’t know what God made me to do. i know what i like to do. what my passions are. and the talents God gave me. but my problem is that they aren’t things that one can make a living from.
the back hand of that says not to put God in a can’t do box.
and the other thought from that thinks about my complete trust in God. do i have that?
i guess when i comes down to it, i want to be smart and not do something rash based on emotion. God gave me a brain to be able to think and be rational. emotional me says do it. quit. rational me says stay and a better opportunity will come along.
perry also says God challenges us out of our comfort zone. being rational is a comfort for me. if it makes sense, i’m more ok with it than if it doesn’t make sense.
quitting doesn’t make sense. and is out of the comfort zone.
now what do i do.

so there’s though process complete.
which is why i’m still here and just making it.
another frustration slips in at this point saying why can’t i just find joy in wherever i am and whatever i’m doing. flat answer = i was not created that way. but that sure sounds like a cop out.

so now. that leaves me here. still here. 9.30pm. not wanting to think about the fact i have to get up again in the morning. wishing sleeping in till the same time i got up this morning but not having to come sit at a desk all day, but be crafty, painterly, cleanly…and as i can see from this seat, happy.

dear jesus. help me see your plan in all of this. that’s all i really want to do anyway. even if it’s not all that crafty, painterly stuff. i know it’ll make me happy. i just want to be happy. your plan will make me happy. will you show it to me?