to pass the time

Posted in Uncategorized on 09. 17. 09 by boltontk

hi my name is kim. i haven’t been around lately. busy. working and all. oh. we moved. i don’t know if i mentioned that in the last one.

however the reason for my post tonight is because i’m at work. again. waiting. or wasting time. time i wish i didn’t have to waste. if any of you out there work with a program that routinely crashes you know what i mean. hello setback. hello i just saved but not soon enough. hello i want to go home but can’t. hello frustration.

my husband had to literally drag me out of bed this morning just so i wouldn’t be late to work. it’s 9pm and i’m still here. tomorrow isn’t going to be pretty.

about this job. i seem to complain about it a lot. someone once asked me why i complained about my job so much. and the flat answer is that i don’t like it. i don’t. but here’s why…

there’s a part of me about 25% that knows this job is good. i need it and can’t afford to lose it. but the other 75% can’t seem to get past the fact that i know i was made for something else.
this body has told me from day one that it’s not made to sit at a desk everday. it tells me everyday. it’s telling me right now.
my heart want to do not necessarily more, but just something else. something with purpose. something not just for money. something fulfilling.
i feel like this consumes my thoughts on a daily basis.
and when i get down to it and really admit it, i’m not happy. i’m not happy here.
but then the other side of the coin flips in that i’m incredibly blessed and should be grateful with what i have.
but i’m constantly thinking then should i just be ok with not being happy or feeling fulfilled…ever?
is this a wait and see situation or is it a take action and do something about it?
i’m so in the middle. but still unhappy.
don’t get me wrong. i’m thankful for this job. that’s why i’m still here. but everyday i wonder that if i just quit if that would open the door to what my heart is seaching for.
this issue is a daily ongoing prayer. and i’m constantly trying to listen to God.
and so far i don’t feel so compelled to quit, but to stick it out. i feel as if the want to quit is really flesh-driven and selfish. however where can one draw the line between sticking it out and one’s physical being breaking down because if it….
i also don’t know if it’s just a matter of time and me figuring out how to deal with the stress that seems to manifest itself in ailments of the body and soul or if i should flee from somewhere i don’t feel happy or fulfilled.
at newspring, perry talked about quitting if you don’t feel you’re completing God’s task for you where you are. the flat answer to that is that i don’t. i don’t feel like i’m doing what God made me to do.
problem is, i don’t know what God made me to do. i know what i like to do. what my passions are. and the talents God gave me. but my problem is that they aren’t things that one can make a living from.
the back hand of that says not to put God in a can’t do box.
and the other thought from that thinks about my complete trust in God. do i have that?
i guess when i comes down to it, i want to be smart and not do something rash based on emotion. God gave me a brain to be able to think and be rational. emotional me says do it. quit. rational me says stay and a better opportunity will come along.
perry also says God challenges us out of our comfort zone. being rational is a comfort for me. if it makes sense, i’m more ok with it than if it doesn’t make sense.
quitting doesn’t make sense. and is out of the comfort zone.
now what do i do.

so there’s though process complete.
which is why i’m still here and just making it.
another frustration slips in at this point saying why can’t i just find joy in wherever i am and whatever i’m doing. flat answer = i was not created that way. but that sure sounds like a cop out.

so now. that leaves me here. still here. 9.30pm. not wanting to think about the fact i have to get up again in the morning. wishing sleeping in till the same time i got up this morning but not having to come sit at a desk all day, but be crafty, painterly, cleanly…and as i can see from this seat, happy.

dear jesus. help me see your plan in all of this. that’s all i really want to do anyway. even if it’s not all that crafty, painterly stuff. i know it’ll make me happy. i just want to be happy. your plan will make me happy. will you show it to me?

See the birds?

Posted in Uncategorized on 03. 31. 09 by boltontk

I hate getting bad news. the worst kind of bad news is when there’s no good news attached to it.

i got some bad news today.
news that makes me so angry i could hit something.
i actually thought of destroying something.

usually i shout out when i am mad. i yell and scream. get physical. usually lots of cleaning. today was the same except without the yelling. silence has it’s ways of working things out too.

i could still rip something apart though.

when i angry or anxious i bite off the inside skin of my lips.

This news of ill have many repercussions, however.
Most of them stem from the worry that blossoms around me when i think of what i am to do in this event.

which leads me to think of the sermon on worry i heard at NewSpring a few weeks ago.

I have a problem with worrying.

God is pretty clear about that topic.

30″But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!
31″Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’
32″For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33″But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34″So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt.6.30-34

lately that’s been so huge for me. and even now. o so much more now.

in a way as each obstacle come my way, God gets bigger. He can’t be defeated, so why am I?

even in my anger, i cannot worry or doubt God.
He’s brought me this far, how can i think He’ll let me down now?

Look outside. See the birds?

God is good.

Currently playing…

Posted in Uncategorized on 03. 20. 09 by boltontk

Let me first say it’s interesting to see that people actually do read this thing. or at least check to see if we’re interesting people. sorry people, we’re not that interesting. but you still came by 5 times today. : )

so currently: hmm. yes. currently i am at work waiting on some stupid image to blow up. well, not like that, but get bigger. we have this program that umm…well, it’s not that interesting, but bottom line is I’M BORED!

this happens quite a lot here. i sit on my bum and get bored. i do origami and check the days off my calendar. i can easily see how people can get into ruts in their lives and get used to it. as much as i hated it in the beginning – i’m starting to get used to it now. scary.

so i wrote some time ago about getting off my butt, and well, i got off but then i sat back down. hmph, judge all you want, you’d do it too at some point. and last night talking with Travis i discovered that i am still wondering what it is that i am peculiarly on this planet for. i have so many things that i enjoy, but are unsure of how to or which one to zone in on to make a career. design in terms of being chained to a computer is over for me. there’s much more to life and i’m much more excited by the idea of creation with my hands. whatever it may be. which leads me to the ideas of all the things i enjoy so much. and it all falls in the arena of creation. i love to cook. bake. book. coke….. i’ve taken a love to sewing. designing clothes. taking something from paper or idea to reality. one i can hold and even wear. i will always love to paint. i think working with my hands keeps my attention well enough to satisfy something not much else can. and that’s just a start to some of the passions i have – the selfish side.

i also have a passion for adoption. all things about it. the moms, the children, the dads, the families, bringing hope and peace and encouragement and love. i want to be an example for those who have none of that. i don’t believe God placed me here in this way for no reason.

but mostly. more strongly than the rest. i want to be a mom. a wife. stay at home. make a home. have dinner ready when Travis gets home. Get the kids from school. wear myself out doing things for my family. being a kitchen nazi. folding laundry. dusting. cleaning the bathroom. fixing a leak. repainting the house. rearranging the furniture. making it comfy. being happy. setting the mood in my home. having dogs. loving animals. loving people…..

it’s all there.

i had this other passion, but it burns so much less fervently than the others. to be involved and feel the benefits and joys of working in a church. and i’ve discovered something. it’s not for me. i’m called to be somewhere else. end of story.

so currently playing in my head is something like a mix of a cooking, fashion designer, adoption advocate mom who wants to do what God so graciously put me here for.

*and for those who are wondering: no i am not pregnant. thanks.*

Little Princess

Posted in Uncategorized on 02. 26. 09 by boltontk

this is a post from a friend. tweets may remember the twitpic of the cute little caden i posted the other day. the surgery went well, thanks for you prayers!

Hello friends of Princess Caden.
Cade’s procedure went well today, and she even woke up from those sleepy meds smiling at her mommy. Needless to say, that made things a little easier to swallow. Her blood work looked great and her immunity levels were up. Great news. We also found out today that her treatments are working better than the doctor’s expected when we first started since her WBC count was so high. She is now classified as intermediate risk, rather than high risk. (Risk info in previous updates). This is the good news. Caden is an amazing little super hero and surprises me more and more each day with her bravery.
We also found out a little about what is coming up next (our next adventure, as we explain it to Cade). Caden will have about 5 to 6 more months of pretty intensive chemo, which includes some radiation treatments, then 2 years of maintenance (less intensive chemo). Radiation scares the heck out of me, and I was hoping that was not part of the treatment. This is mainly to ensure that her leukemia cells are completely gone and that they don’t come back. With T-cell ALL there is a higher risk of reoccurance in the spinal fluid (I am not going to mention that again though, because its not going to happen).
It may sound like I know exactly what is going on, but that is not the case. We get more details on her exact chemo schedule on Monday or Tuesday of next week (when the bone marrow results are back), then she starts the next phase of chemo on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. One day at a time, right. 🙂
Wow, that was a long one. Hope it makes sense.
Thank you for all of the support on the care pages. All of the positive messages mean so much to us.

princess caden

When you need a reality check…

Posted in Uncategorized on 02. 07. 09 by boltontk

Tony Morgan just twittered something that instantly changed my perspective on most things i’ve known…..http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/02/06/how-to-build-a-career-as-an-artist/

don’t have much time to elaborate. but read this…

my response? i’m painting tonight. i don’t care if i don’t eat….paint to canvas. tonight. no excuses.

i’ve been ignoring it to over 8 months. tonight it ends.

Seriocity

Posted in Uncategorized on 01. 29. 09 by boltontk

lately a lot has been on my mind.

a house.

the future.

my job.

his job.

money.

happiness.

children.

doing God’s will.

trusting God’s plan.

what my purpose is.

who i’m supposed to be.

where i’m supposed to be.

who i am.

where i am.

what i want.

what God wants.

how much we’ve already been blessed.

i keep going back and forth between the thought of being so blessed and the possibility of losing something we’ve both been longing for.

the thoughts of something being unfair.

thoughts of being selfish.

thoughts of God’s neverending love.

visions of my brain exploding.

It’s time to get off my butt.

Posted in Uncategorized on 01. 21. 09 by boltontk

life if short.

i had an epiphinous-type event the other night. i found my breaking point. i’m getting off my butt and doing something about it. God’s kingdom is too great for me to still be on my ass thinking things will happen themselves. life is too short to think that i have plenty of time. the calling is too strong to keep ignoring it.

so ever since i’ve gotten married i’ve been overwhelmed. i’ll be the first to admit. i couldn’t handle it. i’m a worryer. i’m obsessive compulsive. it’s hard for me to let things go. a perfectionist.

i was convinced i had no time for anything besides eating, sleeping, working and driving. i commute about 30-40 minutes to work everyday. it’s not my favorite thing to do. i even had myself convinced that squeezing a quiet time in would be a challenge. convinced i had no extra time.

so when it came to church, i go on sundays. i listen and learn. and go home. don’t get me wrong, I am not just going through the motions. i am a Christ-follower and love God. but that’s just it. i hate that that is all i do. there has got to be more. i keep having the feeling that just attending church is not enough for me. take it a step further. i want to volunteer. it’s an eating passion. but i don’t want to just greet people at the door. i mean that is important, but i want to do more! i feel a passion to do more.

i just have one problem.

i don’t know how to start. or where to go. or what to do.

so even though the passion is strong, the calling is great the overwhelming feeling of not knowing where to go or what to do has been keeping me on my butt about it.

so i hit my breaking point the other night. and with the help of my husband, hopefully today all of that will change.

it’s a big deal to me. no sure why. i don’t care if i clean toilets or wash windows. there’s a fire under my butt that’s making me move.

it’s strange.

i have watched my husband truly enjoy what he does. for once. it kills me cause i truly want to experience the joy he has.

from the book, in a pit with a lion on a snowy day: what if the life you really want, and the future God wants for you, is hiding right now in your biggest problem, your worst failure…your greatest fear?……..that is sooooo me.

i’m getting off my butt.