to pass the time

hi my name is kim. i haven’t been around lately. busy. working and all. oh. we moved. i don’t know if i mentioned that in the last one.

however the reason for my post tonight is because i’m at work. again. waiting. or wasting time. time i wish i didn’t have to waste. if any of you out there work with a program that routinely crashes you know what i mean. hello setback. hello i just saved but not soon enough. hello i want to go home but can’t. hello frustration.

my husband had to literally drag me out of bed this morning just so i wouldn’t be late to work. it’s 9pm and i’m still here. tomorrow isn’t going to be pretty.

about this job. i seem to complain about it a lot. someone once asked me why i complained about my job so much. and the flat answer is that i don’t like it. i don’t. but here’s why…

there’s a part of me about 25% that knows this job is good. i need it and can’t afford to lose it. but the other 75% can’t seem to get past the fact that i know i was made for something else.
this body has told me from day one that it’s not made to sit at a desk everday. it tells me everyday. it’s telling me right now.
my heart want to do not necessarily more, but just something else. something with purpose. something not just for money. something fulfilling.
i feel like this consumes my thoughts on a daily basis.
and when i get down to it and really admit it, i’m not happy. i’m not happy here.
but then the other side of the coin flips in that i’m incredibly blessed and should be grateful with what i have.
but i’m constantly thinking then should i just be ok with not being happy or feeling fulfilled…ever?
is this a wait and see situation or is it a take action and do something about it?
i’m so in the middle. but still unhappy.
don’t get me wrong. i’m thankful for this job. that’s why i’m still here. but everyday i wonder that if i just quit if that would open the door to what my heart is seaching for.
this issue is a daily ongoing prayer. and i’m constantly trying to listen to God.
and so far i don’t feel so compelled to quit, but to stick it out. i feel as if the want to quit is really flesh-driven and selfish. however where can one draw the line between sticking it out and one’s physical being breaking down because if it….
i also don’t know if it’s just a matter of time and me figuring out how to deal with the stress that seems to manifest itself in ailments of the body and soul or if i should flee from somewhere i don’t feel happy or fulfilled.
at newspring, perry talked about quitting if you don’t feel you’re completing God’s task for you where you are. the flat answer to that is that i don’t. i don’t feel like i’m doing what God made me to do.
problem is, i don’t know what God made me to do. i know what i like to do. what my passions are. and the talents God gave me. but my problem is that they aren’t things that one can make a living from.
the back hand of that says not to put God in a can’t do box.
and the other thought from that thinks about my complete trust in God. do i have that?
i guess when i comes down to it, i want to be smart and not do something rash based on emotion. God gave me a brain to be able to think and be rational. emotional me says do it. quit. rational me says stay and a better opportunity will come along.
perry also says God challenges us out of our comfort zone. being rational is a comfort for me. if it makes sense, i’m more ok with it than if it doesn’t make sense.
quitting doesn’t make sense. and is out of the comfort zone.
now what do i do.

so there’s though process complete.
which is why i’m still here and just making it.
another frustration slips in at this point saying why can’t i just find joy in wherever i am and whatever i’m doing. flat answer = i was not created that way. but that sure sounds like a cop out.

so now. that leaves me here. still here. 9.30pm. not wanting to think about the fact i have to get up again in the morning. wishing sleeping in till the same time i got up this morning but not having to come sit at a desk all day, but be crafty, painterly, cleanly…and as i can see from this seat, happy.

dear jesus. help me see your plan in all of this. that’s all i really want to do anyway. even if it’s not all that crafty, painterly stuff. i know it’ll make me happy. i just want to be happy. your plan will make me happy. will you show it to me?

See the birds?

I hate getting bad news. the worst kind of bad news is when there’s no good news attached to it.

i got some bad news today.
news that makes me so angry i could hit something.
i actually thought of destroying something.

usually i shout out when i am mad. i yell and scream. get physical. usually lots of cleaning. today was the same except without the yelling. silence has it’s ways of working things out too.

i could still rip something apart though.

when i angry or anxious i bite off the inside skin of my lips.

This news of ill have many repercussions, however.
Most of them stem from the worry that blossoms around me when i think of what i am to do in this event.

which leads me to think of the sermon on worry i heard at NewSpring a few weeks ago.

I have a problem with worrying.

God is pretty clear about that topic.

30″But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!
31″Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’
32″For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33″But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34″So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt.6.30-34

lately that’s been so huge for me. and even now. o so much more now.

in a way as each obstacle come my way, God gets bigger. He can’t be defeated, so why am I?

even in my anger, i cannot worry or doubt God.
He’s brought me this far, how can i think He’ll let me down now?

Look outside. See the birds?

God is good.

Currently playing…

Let me first say it’s interesting to see that people actually do read this thing. or at least check to see if we’re interesting people. sorry people, we’re not that interesting. but you still came by 5 times today. : )

so currently: hmm. yes. currently i am at work waiting on some stupid image to blow up. well, not like that, but get bigger. we have this program that umm…well, it’s not that interesting, but bottom line is I’M BORED!

this happens quite a lot here. i sit on my bum and get bored. i do origami and check the days off my calendar. i can easily see how people can get into ruts in their lives and get used to it. as much as i hated it in the beginning – i’m starting to get used to it now. scary.

so i wrote some time ago about getting off my butt, and well, i got off but then i sat back down. hmph, judge all you want, you’d do it too at some point. and last night talking with Travis i discovered that i am still wondering what it is that i am peculiarly on this planet for. i have so many things that i enjoy, but are unsure of how to or which one to zone in on to make a career. design in terms of being chained to a computer is over for me. there’s much more to life and i’m much more excited by the idea of creation with my hands. whatever it may be. which leads me to the ideas of all the things i enjoy so much. and it all falls in the arena of creation. i love to cook. bake. book. coke….. i’ve taken a love to sewing. designing clothes. taking something from paper or idea to reality. one i can hold and even wear. i will always love to paint. i think working with my hands keeps my attention well enough to satisfy something not much else can. and that’s just a start to some of the passions i have – the selfish side.

i also have a passion for adoption. all things about it. the moms, the children, the dads, the families, bringing hope and peace and encouragement and love. i want to be an example for those who have none of that. i don’t believe God placed me here in this way for no reason.

but mostly. more strongly than the rest. i want to be a mom. a wife. stay at home. make a home. have dinner ready when Travis gets home. Get the kids from school. wear myself out doing things for my family. being a kitchen nazi. folding laundry. dusting. cleaning the bathroom. fixing a leak. repainting the house. rearranging the furniture. making it comfy. being happy. setting the mood in my home. having dogs. loving animals. loving people…..

it’s all there.

i had this other passion, but it burns so much less fervently than the others. to be involved and feel the benefits and joys of working in a church. and i’ve discovered something. it’s not for me. i’m called to be somewhere else. end of story.

so currently playing in my head is something like a mix of a cooking, fashion designer, adoption advocate mom who wants to do what God so graciously put me here for.

*and for those who are wondering: no i am not pregnant. thanks.*

Little Princess

this is a post from a friend. tweets may remember the twitpic of the cute little caden i posted the other day. the surgery went well, thanks for you prayers!

Hello friends of Princess Caden.
Cade’s procedure went well today, and she even woke up from those sleepy meds smiling at her mommy. Needless to say, that made things a little easier to swallow. Her blood work looked great and her immunity levels were up. Great news. We also found out today that her treatments are working better than the doctor’s expected when we first started since her WBC count was so high. She is now classified as intermediate risk, rather than high risk. (Risk info in previous updates). This is the good news. Caden is an amazing little super hero and surprises me more and more each day with her bravery.
We also found out a little about what is coming up next (our next adventure, as we explain it to Cade). Caden will have about 5 to 6 more months of pretty intensive chemo, which includes some radiation treatments, then 2 years of maintenance (less intensive chemo). Radiation scares the heck out of me, and I was hoping that was not part of the treatment. This is mainly to ensure that her leukemia cells are completely gone and that they don’t come back. With T-cell ALL there is a higher risk of reoccurance in the spinal fluid (I am not going to mention that again though, because its not going to happen).
It may sound like I know exactly what is going on, but that is not the case. We get more details on her exact chemo schedule on Monday or Tuesday of next week (when the bone marrow results are back), then she starts the next phase of chemo on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. One day at a time, right.
Wow, that was a long one. Hope it makes sense.
Thank you for all of the support on the care pages. All of the positive messages mean so much to us.

When you need a reality check…

Tony Morgan just twittered something that instantly changed my perspective on most things i’ve known…..http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/02/06/how-to-build-a-career-as-an-artist/

don’t have much time to elaborate. but read this…

my response? i’m painting tonight. i don’t care if i don’t eat….paint to canvas. tonight. no excuses.

i’ve been ignoring it to over 8 months. tonight it ends.

Seriocity

lately a lot has been on my mind.

a house.

the future.

my job.

his job.

money.

happiness.

children.

doing God’s will.

trusting God’s plan.

what my purpose is.

who i’m supposed to be.

where i’m supposed to be.

who i am.

where i am.

what i want.

what God wants.

how much we’ve already been blessed.

i keep going back and forth between the thought of being so blessed and the possibility of losing something we’ve both been longing for.

the thoughts of something being unfair.

thoughts of being selfish.

thoughts of God’s neverending love.

visions of my brain exploding.

It’s time to get off my butt.

life if short.

i had an epiphinous-type event the other night. i found my breaking point. i’m getting off my butt and doing something about it. God’s kingdom is too great for me to still be on my ass thinking things will happen themselves. life is too short to think that i have plenty of time. the calling is too strong to keep ignoring it.

so ever since i’ve gotten married i’ve been overwhelmed. i’ll be the first to admit. i couldn’t handle it. i’m a worryer. i’m obsessive compulsive. it’s hard for me to let things go. a perfectionist.

i was convinced i had no time for anything besides eating, sleeping, working and driving. i commute about 30-40 minutes to work everyday. it’s not my favorite thing to do. i even had myself convinced that squeezing a quiet time in would be a challenge. convinced i had no extra time.

so when it came to church, i go on sundays. i listen and learn. and go home. don’t get me wrong, I am not just going through the motions. i am a Christ-follower and love God. but that’s just it. i hate that that is all i do. there has got to be more. i keep having the feeling that just attending church is not enough for me. take it a step further. i want to volunteer. it’s an eating passion. but i don’t want to just greet people at the door. i mean that is important, but i want to do more! i feel a passion to do more.

i just have one problem.

i don’t know how to start. or where to go. or what to do.

so even though the passion is strong, the calling is great the overwhelming feeling of not knowing where to go or what to do has been keeping me on my butt about it.

so i hit my breaking point the other night. and with the help of my husband, hopefully today all of that will change.

it’s a big deal to me. no sure why. i don’t care if i clean toilets or wash windows. there’s a fire under my butt that’s making me move.

it’s strange.

i have watched my husband truly enjoy what he does. for once. it kills me cause i truly want to experience the joy he has.

from the book, in a pit with a lion on a snowy day: what if the life you really want, and the future God wants for you, is hiding right now in your biggest problem, your worst failure…your greatest fear?……..that is sooooo me.

i’m getting off my butt.

brevitās

hi. my name is kim. i’m travis’ other half. seeing how this is a family blog…here are some things i’ve been thinking about lately…

it strikes me harder at times than others, but i frequently find myself dwelling on thoughts involving the brevity of life.

recently i was talking with a friend about her plans for the future. she is getting married within the next year. she is not your typical girl who gets uber excited about wedding-things and is facing a bit of struggle getting through the planning process. her statements about the whole thing struck me quite in the most startling kind of way. i agreed with her ideals about being with the one you love is the most important part and all the uppity formalities are merely unnecessary extras. (short history about me: if you don’t already know, i had pretty big southern traditional modern style wedding. i’m a visual person and loved the whole process….) so i guess you could say it was a little strange to hear myself say that i agreed with her wholeheartedly. i mean when it comes down to it, all that matters is that you love that person, that you will be together for the rest of your lives and that you vow to love them forever. no one else has to be there. no one has to get dressed up. she was pulling out of life what was the most important to her and discarding the rest. the chaff.  which hilights the whole idea of taking advantage of the important parts of life when it is so fleeting. why waste the time to bother with the bits that fall away…she makes a good point. and i agree with her.

now i didn’t view the planning of my own wedding in that way because i wanted to make a big deal out of it. however i feel like her approach is the way aspects of life can/should be contemplated. life is the chaff. brevitas…..

it’s now a few days later that i am finally finishing this post. but funny thing is that what i’ve been going through is still somewhat l linked to all of the above. not pertaining to wedding things, but life…….next post.

God vs Science

Normally I hate fowarded Emails… but this one struck me as both intelligent and amusing, so instead of forwarding it on and clogging your inbox with more stuff, I will post it here incase anyone is interested.  Sorry for the length, but hey, its our blog so… I can.

Feel Free to comment with your thoughts on the subject.

Thanks for this Benji!

‘Let me explain the problem science has with religion.’ The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then a sks one of his new students to stand. ‘You’re a Christian, aren’t you, son?’ ‘Yes sir,’ the student says. ‘So you believe in God?’ ‘Absolutely. ‘Is God good?’ ‘Sure! God’s good.’ ‘Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Are you good or evil?’ ‘The Bible says I’m evil.’ The professor grins knowingly. ‘Aha! The Bible!’ He considers for a moment. ‘Here’s one for you. Let’s say there’s a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?’ ‘Yes sir, I would.’ ‘So you’re good…!’ ‘I wouldn’t say that.’ ‘But why not say that? You’d help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn’t.’ The student does not answer, so the professor continues. ‘He doesn’t, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?’ The student remains silent. ‘No, you can’t, can you?’ the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. ‘Let’s start again, young fella. Is God good?’ ‘Er..yes,’ the stud ent says. ‘Is Satan good?’ The student doesn’t hesitate on this one. ‘No.’ ‘Then where does Satan come from?’ The student falters. ‘From God’ ‘That’s right. God made Satan, didn’t he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?’ ‘Yes, sir.’ ‘Evil’s everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything correct?? ‘Yes’ ‘So who created evil?’ The professor continued, ‘If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.’ Again, the student has no answer. ‘Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?’ The student squirms on his feet. ‘Yes.’ ‘So who created them?’ The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. ‘Who created them?’ There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. ‘Tell me,’ he continues onto another student. ‘Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son? The student’s voice betrays him and cracks. ‘Yes, professor, I do.’ The old man stops pacing. ‘Science says you have five senses You use to identify and observe the world around yo u. Have you ever seen Jesus?’ ‘No sir. I’ve never seen Him.’ ‘Then tell us if you’ve ever heard your Jesus?’ ‘No, sir, I have not.’ ‘Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelled your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?’ ‘No, sir, I’m afraid I haven’t.’ ‘Yet you still believe in him?’ ‘Yes’ ‘According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?’ ‘Nothing,’ the student replies. ‘I only have my faith.’ ‘Yes, faith,’ the professor repeats. ‘And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.’ The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. ‘Professor, is there such thing as heat?’ ‘ Yes.’ ‘And is there such a thing as cold?’ ‘Yes, son, there’s cold too.’ ‘No sir, there isn’t.’ The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. ‘You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don’t have > anything called ‘cold’. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.’ ‘Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.’ Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer. ‘What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?’ ‘Yes,’ the professor replies without hesitation. ‘What is night if it isn’t darkness?’ ‘You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it’s called darkness, isn’t it? That’s the meaning we use to define the word.’ ‘In reality, darkness isn’t. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you ?’ The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. ‘So what point are you making, young man? ‘Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.’ The professor’s face cannot hide his surprise this time. ‘Flawed? Can you explain how?’ ‘You are working on the premise of duality,’ the student explains.. ‘You argue that there is life and then there’s death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can’t even explain a thought.’ ‘It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it. ‘Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?’ ‘If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.’ ‘Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?’ The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed. ‘ Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?’ The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided. ‘To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean.’ The student looks around the room. ‘Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor’s brain?’ The class breaks out into laughter. ‘Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor’s brain, felt the professor’s brain, touched or smelled the professor’s brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.’ ‘So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?’ Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. ‘I guess you’ll have to take them on faith.’ ‘Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,’ the student continues. ‘Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?’ Now uncertain, the professor responds, ‘Of course, there is. We see it everyday It is in the daily example of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.’ To this the student replied, ‘Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.’ The professor sat down. The student was Albert Einstein. Albert Einstein did write a book titled God vs. Science in 1921… If you read it all the way through and had a smile on your face when you finished, mail to your friends and family with the title ‘God vs Science’. “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation . . . . I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4: 12-13)

Christmas Time was Here

Our first Christmas together as a family, aren't we... special?

So this is our first Family Christmas… “Portrait”.

That would be myself, Kimbi and our pup, Sadie.

We are a rather odd family so far, though Kim and I have only been married a little more than 6 months, and have had Sadie for about 5 months.  We don’t have much, though through my wife’s creativity and artistic nature, and my ability to MacGyver most anything, we get by in style.  Ok not really sure what that style would be, but we do alright.

Just a note… if anyone has a little house sitting around that needs a happy little family to live in it, please let me know.  Our pup could use a yard, the apartment we are in has no good running room for her.

Anyway, perhaps I will get around to posting a bit more later, trying to keep up with this thing a bit.

-Travis